Thursday, September 20, 2012

Not Enough

“You might actually win that trip,” Jay said to me last night after looking at the list of twenty names. Twenty Compassion International children, sponsored through Blogging from the Boonies this month. I just marveled, thinking of each of those children and the generous sponsors who stepped up to say yes.

Truth is, I haven’t really allowed myself to think too much about how I might truly be in the running to win that trip with the Compassion Bloggers in 2013. As with all of my daydreams about traveling, I keep the idea at arm’s length, worried to set myself up for disappointment.

Last night, after the discussion with my husband, my thoughts started swirling once I imagined what it would be like to actually go on a Compassion Bloggers trip.

It wasn’t long before a string of panicked thoughts poured over me.

Your blog isn’t good enough.

You really aren’t a gifted writer.

There’s no way you could come back from a day on the streets of poverty and create a creative, compelling and coherent post that evening.

You are too young in your faith and aren’t really as well versed in the Bible as you should be.

You’re really not very fashionable either. You don’t want thousands of readers to see you in frumpy mom clothes.

The trip would break you. You would never be the same again.

Don’t you remember how socially awkward you are?

You are not enough.

You’re not.

In my anxiety, I wondered why I even wanted to go on that trip in the first place. What was I thinking?

Panic is no stranger to me and I have learned that in those times I need to draw close to the One who gives me strength.  I know there is an enemy who would like to discourage me.

But, the reality is that, alone, I am not enough.

Daily, I fall short of the glory of God. Daily, I need to seek Him.

His Word ministers to my worried heart.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.              Philippians 4:6-8

For now, I will look to God for the peace that can found with Him. I’ll focus on the blessing of more children being sponsored through Compassion International and rest on the comfort that God is in control.