Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Therapy

Today, therapy came in the form of a wood pile that needed to be relocated.

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The truth is, I’ve been on shaky ground for a while.  Carrying the weight of heart-break for well over a year has changed who I am and how I cope.

Yes, I can still see blessings and special moments for what they are, yet the recognition is almost always followed by a , “Yes, but…..” There is joy in our home, but it is often coupled with the sense of missing.

It is hard when someone you love walks away from you.  It is harder still when abandonment issues from your childhood seem to lurk, ready to surface at a moment’s notice. For so long, there has been an underlying current of pain and confusion in my life and my family here at home.

Watching someone I love walk away, down a path that looks dangerous, brings moments of panic. Maternal instinct makes me want to shake up those who are supposed to be her guardians.

Sometimes I feel just like that picture of a solid rope, frayed so much there’s just a few strands holding both ends together….

Today, a seemingly innocent exchange online brought enough pressure to fray those last fibers holding me together.

I went to the woodpile, tears streaming down, and filled my arms with as much as I could hold.  With each trip, I carried as much as I felt like I could hold without my arms giving out.  I’ve been trying to give this weight of my pain to God and feel like He isn’t taking it.  It continues to pull at me. Ever present, in various degrees.

As I shifted the fire wood from place to place, I cried and prayed.  At times, my prayers were screaming out in my head. “Take this weight, take this worry, take this pain from me!”

Muscles growing weary, each armload of wood put in its new place would leave me with a momentary feeling of the freedom from a burden. Through the menial back and forth of my task, a sense of peace washed over me and the realization that this healing process will be one that is taken step-by-step.  I can’t move a woodpile in one trip and this burden won’t be lifted off of me in one moment.

I do believe there will be a time when the heart-ache isn’t such a presence in my day to day life. I may have to keep giving this to God, one armload at a time and take the relief of each momentary release from the burden.

Today, I am thankful for the therapy found in a pile of wood.

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