Friday, December 9, 2011

Adventures in Fail

At the beginning of the Advent season, I made the decision to be more intentional in planning fun activities with my girls. We’ve spent lots of time crafting and baking once the day’s homeschooling and responsibilities were crossed off of the to-do list. There have been many magical moments and memories created by this special time, no doubt.

But, if I were to be completely honest, I have been hovering near burn out.

I love that I am able to stay at home with my girls, I truly do.  There are times, though, when the long hours of my job start to weigh heavy on me. There are so many times when I feel as if I cannot complete a task, much less a thought, without having to answer a question or tend to a need or referee a quarrel.

Sometimes, grace wears thin.

Some days I feel like thin ice, ready to crack under the slightest pressure.

I snap at my girls and then close myself in my bedroom in tears, thinking that my unintentional harsh words have just erased a day’s worth of intentional focus.

I beat myself up, wondering how the woman who promotes Compassionate work for the children of the world can sometimes lack patience and compassion with the ones God has put under my care.

Sometimes, I feel like a failure and a hypocrite.

On an evening when I feel so raw and frazzled, my husband comes home early to take my girls on some errands and to a Bible study.  The quiet of a house all to myself refreshes me and I am able to breathe deep and just be “me” for a time. I soak in the time and space to myself.  I crank up the radio and dance. When my feet finally come to a stop and I sit for a moment, I realize that for all of our preparation for Christmas and daily Bible readings, I have let my heart wander from God.

I reflect on how it is possible to be in the Word, praying daily and striving to do His work, yet still have a chasm of distance between myself and the One who needs to be my rock. I am the one who has let myself drift.

The next day, I read a post by Ann Voskamp titled When You Wonder If You Disappoint. A post that hits my heart at just the right time, one specific line resonates so deeply.

God appoints people who do disappoint – to point to

a God who never disappoints.

I’m reminded that failure points up to grace and that stumbling and falling down causes us to look up.

The grace and forgiveness of children reminds me of that which is always waiting for us if we seek it.

A new day brings a fresh fluffy coating of snow and several minutes taking in deep breaths of cold air while birds dance and sing around me.

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I feel renewed and ready to take on intentional time with my family, but also intentional striving towards God.  Grace and forgiveness are poured over me and for that I am so thankful.

If you’re struggling or having a hard time, please let me know how I can pray for you, either through leaving a comment or using the contact form on my sidebar.

I hope that today brings you peace, beauty and blessings!

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